The Ghosts That I Fear

by Dad Thighs

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1.
Poetic scripts followed by unfulfilling outcomes, saved from drowning with a deep breath, a glass of ice water swallowed all at once, intensity spoke calmly, calamity over and over. We're laughing but we're not breathing, we're crying yet feeling nothing but the dead air of an otherwise non-existent summer and the cool breeze off an ocean spitting pleas of comfort right back in our face. If this is love then we have learnt nothing, if this is love then where is life meant to lead us except in circles,
2.
and I'm pained and I'm dead and I'm going to bed with wide open eyes again. I’ll up the anti by two years and risk all I’ve got for another chance with you I can spend the whole night staring at a screen just so I can brag that I haven’t cried myself to sleep in two whole years in two whole years I’ve been obsessing over empty words and dimes, dropping pounds for cigarettes and hoping your really mean it this time. Amidst all the excitement I still find time to sleep past noon. So how much would you bet that if I stare at these words I can change their meaning. These eyes don’t see the sun like they used to, (there’s nothing left of this teenage heart) dreams used to haunt me every night, (now I pray for nothing else). Carry me back home in your limp arms, (show me the youth that I’ve forgotten) carry me back home in your limp arms, (two whole years). One whole year (since I thought of you last), two whole years (I guess we’ll do this again), three whole years (I'll take my chances), four whole years (since I felt your lips). I can't say that I've never fantasized about my own funeral and who would be there.
3.
The smell of industrial paint and magnolia fill the warm summer night air. We reminisce old meadows once full of life, now they’re parking lots, abandoned shopping carts, crows picking at discarded wrappers, they were empty and pure. The world hints at our numbered days and we revel in it. (Creating a perfect bubble to be ignorant in, taking romance as a drug, it’s not only killing me). We’ve created this crumbling fortress, now we lie our bodies in this filth and let it take over.
4.
So I found our old haunts where I never thought I'd be alone, well I got what I wanted, how wrong I was to wish such a thing. Now I escape to those places to get away from the grey and the piles of reasons to stay. There are better things to do, more valiant roles to take, I'd talk to you if only I knew what to say, it's the chemicals in my brain. I'm drying up but I'm soaked to the bone. I'll stand on my rock wishing to scream (Leave me alone) but I'm too fucking pathetic (I'm all alone) so I'll choke on my words and bury my head in the sand.
5.
Every Day 00:53
I can’t say that I’ve never fantasized about my own funeral and who would be there. I’ve dug my own grave with notebooks filled with nothing, while the crash and slow recoil of a lake front quietly defines nature without the use of words. Frayed edges prevent paper cuts, so I ripped every page, justifying through aesthetic, romanticizing distractions. The summer sun hurt my eyes.
6.
Of Summer 05:15
Born in a field of wealth and gold she didn't know it very well her brother and father left out in the cold Fed grass with the pigs and the chickens and so she sang her sad tune in her suitcase filled with pictures of gap toothed smiles She fed her captors three times a day they honoured her leader with slaps on the back while her vision grew darker, imprisoned by life's cruel hand When the war was over they packed up and left her scars in the kitchen, traumatized but alive She met a man with dirty lungs on a bike they road as three soon after, eleven mouths to feed the man's lungs gave in so she got on her knees and cleaned The children were unloving and ungrateful they mourned their father with theft and abuse and so she fed her captors three times a day they honoured her leader with slaps on the back while her vision grew darker, imprisioned by life's cruel hand. Now she's gone in a home in the west all alone
7.
We’re all in this together, but we all hate ourselves. You were my favourite valentine, you were my nickel and dime, you made sense to me, you were my reasoning, we'd drive all night to escape my tears, check the closets for the ghosts that I feared, I called you up when I lost those jobs, but we all hate ourselves.
8.
Are you my other? My punk, my nothing’s better? Slipping losing self, no time for them, no time for me. Let’s not do that you said, but I’m so weak and you’re stuck in my head. It’s cold when you’re not around, my flesh chills when you’re not around. Let’s pretend that the world doesn’t exist, let’s pretend our problems won’t persist. My shoulder always leaning into yours, but I exist to be more than just an extension of you. If I leave, will you be waiting, will I want to come back?
9.
Sometimes 05:09
I wish I could have taken you up on that offer for a ride from the airport, but the night skies in the east were bursting with red, so I thought that everything would be fine in the morning. Too caught up in my own anxieties to notice the western clouds, I guess we all make mistakes sometimes a laugh is all we’ll ever need, and at times I still forget to smile. Airports aren’t the same when you can’t sit at the bars. Life is not the same without you around, and how I wish I could get over myself sometimes.

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released February 14, 2017

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